When Bad Things Happen to Good Fairies
by Nerdherder51
Summary: This is an anthology series of the bizarre, the absurd and the just plan silly featuring Tinker Bell and all her friends from Pixie Hollow. Humor / Parody. Rated T for much silliness, mayhem and some mild innuendo. Featuring pretty much everyone at some point. Another new chapter: Tink's "Tinker Bell" Fan Fiction.
1. Chapter 1

**When Bad Things Happen to Good Fairies (and Other Stuff)  
**

**An anthology series of the absurd featuring Tinker Bell and her friends.**

****Disclaimer: Tinker Bell, Disney Fairies and all related characters and content are the property of The Walt Disney Company. The character of Tinker Bell originated by Sir J. M. Barrie. This fan fiction is not intended for profit or monetary gain and exists solely for the purpose of fan entertainment. ****

****All other non Tinker Bell / Disney Fairies characters mentioned or described are the property of the their respective parent company.  
****

* * *

**Rosetta and the Stone**

"Ungh!" THUMP! "Ungh!" THUMP! "Ungh!" THUMP! "Ungh!" THUMP!

Rosetta, finally at the home of her friend Tinker Bell, was barely able to float up and knock on the door. She was exhausted after pushing end over end this massive stone Tink had requested.

"Hello?" Tink asked. "Rosetta! Are you alright? You look exhausted."

"I am, Tink," the garden fairy said between gasps of breath. "I've been… pushing this giant rock… over here… just like you asked."

"Giant rock? I didn't ask for a giant rock."

"What?! Well that was what Terence said. You wanted Rosetta and a stone!"

Tink giggled. "Sorry. I wanted Rosetta Stone. That language software for my trip to South America next month."

"Gak! Gurk! Uck!" Rosetta's eyes narrowed. Her exhaustion evaporated. She then mimicked rolling up her sleeves as her blood boiled and her wings quivered with anger.

"Rosetta, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to find that boy and pound him into_ fertilizer_!"

"Wait. No, Rosetta. Stop. Rosetta!"

* * *

**This is the first in a series of humorous short stories. I hope you enjoy them. I'll be posting as I think of new ones. **

**If you like them, please let me know. Thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**She's Late**

* * *

"Where is Vidia?" Silvermist asked. "She was supposed to be here to film our scenes on the pirate ship an hour ago."

"Let her sleep in, I'm havin' a blast talkin' to Tom all about _The Avengers_," Rosetta said with a sly smile.

"I guess it helps that he is easy on the eyes, too?" Fawn asked with a silly grin.

"Wait, what about Sled?" Iridessa fussed.

"Oh Sled is just fine, but I'm not passing up a chance to make a little time with a Norse god," Rosetta answered with a naughty glint in her eye. "Or at least a reasonable facsimile."

"Look, there she is," Zarina announced, pointing to a stream of pixie dust that was meandering its way to the pirate ship and filming set.

"What happened to _her_?" Sil asked.

Vidia arrived looking drained, pale and with huge circles under her eyes. Her hair was a mess and matted to her face. The smell of sweat permeated her clothing.

"Vidia, are you okay?" Tinker Bell asked.

"Yeah…, I'm fine," she croaked.

"You don't look okay," Iridessa commented. "Vidia, you're not…?" Dessa moved her hands as if drinking.

"NO!" the flyer shot back.

"Then why are like this?" Tink asked.

"I bet she had a date last night and it just ended," Ro suggested with a smile.

"Oh please," Vidia responded with a snarky tone. "If I had a date last night it wouldn't be over yet."

"Vidia, you're not… on drugs are you?" Tink asked worriedly.

The flyer just glared at Tinker Bell for suggesting such a thing.

"Then what's going on?" Zarina asked. "This is the fourth time you've shown up on set late and looking like this. This is the only film I'll have to shine. You've been in all the others."

Vidia cocked an eyebrow.

"Sort of," Zarina finished, remembering that Vidia had only two nonspeaking cameos in the second movie.

"You want to know what I've been doing?" the flyer blurted out irately.

"Yes, Sugarplum," Rosetta cooed. "We care about you. You're one of us. Vidia, if you're having problems we want to help."

"Okay, fine. I joined an underground, midnight racing series," she confessed.

"Racing?" Zarina asked.

"Yeah, a whole bunch of us are involved. Last night I went up against The Flash. Before that it was Sonic the Hedgehog. Tonight the Road Runner and I are going to throw down. Happy?"

"No, Vidia. I am not happy," came a disapproving, but calm voice.

"Queen Clarion!" Vidia shot to her feet and stood erect in front of her regent. "I…, uh."

"Yes, I heard every word of your confession," the queen responded as she slowly flitted around the perspiring flyer. "May I remind you that these humans are our guests and that by arriving late and unprepared you are showing them a great disrespect."

"Yes, Queen Clarion."

"And that reflects poorly on all of us in Pixie Hollow."

"Yes, Queen Clarion."

"Do you understand the gravity of your behavior?"

"Yes, Your Highness."

"Very good. Vidia, for the rest of the filming you are restricted to Pixie Hollow and filming locations as needed. You are not to engage in any of these races until principle photography is completed. Is that understood?"

"Perfectly."

"Very good. Now answer one last question."

"Anything."

"Did you win last night?"

"I…, beg your pardon?"

"Did you win last night?"

"Yes. Yes I did."

"Excellent."

The other fairies just stared at the queen as she began to flit to her seat to watch filming progress. Noticing all the eyes on her she stopped and explained, "I am simply ensuring that the honor of Pixie Hollow is being upheld. You may continue."

Vidia let out a huge sigh of relief. Tink and her friends began to snicker and laugh.

* * *

**Enjoy!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Send in the Lawyers**

* * *

"Hi, Vidia, what's that?" Tinker Bell asked.

"Oh, hi, Tink. It's a letter from a lawyer," she replied.

"A lawyer? What happened? What did you do?" Tink asked accusingly.

"Why do you always assume I did something wrong?"

"It's you, remember?"

"Okay fine, but it really wasn't my fault."

Tinker Bell quirked a disbelieving eyebrow. "Oh, I can't wait for this explanation."

"Remember when I joined that globetrotting Toon Racing Series?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"A few weeks ago I had a match against The Road Runner, one of the representatives from Warner Bros. Studios. Anyway…,"

"Who is the other one? Speedy Gonzalez?" Tink replied with a giggle.

"Yes, he is."

"He is?"

"Yes he is. Now may I continue?"

"Please do."

Vidia sighed before going on with her story. "So anyway, we were racing across the roads of Arizona when all of a sudden this giant net shot up in the air and landed right on top of me, knocking me to the asphalt."

"A net? How did that get there?" the tinker fairy asked, her tinkering mind trying to understand this incredible development.

"That idiot coyote, that's how," Vidia snarled. "Apparently he was trying to catch the road runner to make a meal out of him and he snagged me instead."

"What did you do, Vidia?"

"I wound up all of my wind powers and punched him right in the nose and knocked his snout inside out, that's what I did," Vidia said, throwing a haymaker to illustrate her point.

Tinker Bell cringed. "Ooh, that must have hurt."

"I certainly hope it did, _I was winning!_"

"So why the letter?"

"He's suing me. ME! For assault and for the cost of his plastic surgery."

"Cartoon characters have plastic surgeons?"

"Yeah, and by looks of this letter they charge a pretty penny."

Tink read through the densely worded page. When she got to the settlement requested she nearly flew out of her shoes. "WHAT!?"

"Told 'ya."

"This is more than I've made in all five movies, that's insane!"

Vidia took back the letter and clearly wanted to crumple it up in her hands. "It's also the lawyer's fees and Mr. Coyote wants additional money for pain and suffering."

"But he's rich! Why does he need someone else's money?"

"How do you think he can afford all of those ACME devices?"

"Whoa! He must be broke."

"Yeah, well not so broke that he couldn't travel. Mr. Coyote delivered this letter in person."

Tinker Bell couldn't believe her own ears. "He what?"

"Yeah, he sounded ridiculous. His nose was still wrapped in bandages and he had this painfully bad affected sophisticate's accent." Vidia pinched her nose and delivered the speech in that same awful way as The Coyote did to her. "I answered my door and this is what I hear. _Allow be to idtroduce bythelf. By dabe ith Wile E. Coyothe. Thuper Gedius._"

"Thuper Gedius?"

"Super Genius. It's even on his business card."

Sure enough, right smack in the middle of the pure white card were these words:

Wile E. Coyote  
Super Genius  
(sueyourpantsofficus everyoneofyoupus)

Tink wore a confused look as she read the card. "_Sueyourpantsofficus everyoneofyoupus?_ That doesn't even make sense."

"It's a fake Latin name, just like in his cartoons," Vidia told her.

"O-h. So what do you plan to do about this? Fight it?"

"Already did. I just sent him a package that will make this whole thing go away," Vidia answered with a smug look on her face.

"You didn't pay him off, did you?"

"Of course not."

"Then what _did_ you mail him?"

**~O~**

SOMEWHERE IN THE AMERICAN SOUTHWEST

Wile E. Coyote returned to his den after another unsuccessful bid to capture The Road Runner. His nose was still wrapped in bandages and his stomach was grumbling. Approaching the door, he tossed another failed ACME contraption which simply did not activate when needed. It joined more than two dozen other such ACME devices which similarly did not work at all inside a naturally occurring depression next to the entrance of his den.

At the door was a large crate with air holes drilled into it. The label read _To: Wile E. Coyote, Super Dunce. From: Vidia, Island of Never Land._

Wile E. knew from the air holes that she had sent him some sort of live animal to pester him. Considering it was from Never Land he deduced it must have been bees or other insects to make his life miserable. To counteract her foolish little trap, after all he was a Super Genius, Wile E. sprayed bug killer inside the crate to eliminate any and all possible threats to his life and limb.

Laughing confidently, Wile E. Coyote proceeded to pry open the crate to see what silly little trap the tiny pixie had sent him. Just as the four sides of the box crate popped open he noticed, with much fear, the teeny lettering on the label which read simply, _Contents: Pluto!_

"GRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Inside the now opened crate was Pluto the dog. And a very angry dog he was, having just been doused in bug spray.

CHOMP! Went Pluto on the coyote's leg.

"YOWL!" howled Wile E. Coyote as Pluto's teeth sunk in.

Wile E. grabbed a bat and tried to pummel Pluto with it. In response the angry Disney dog began biting even more.

Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! went Pluto went up one leg.

"Yipe, yip, yow," the coyote barked and howled.

Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Pluto then chewed down the other.

Then Pluto took a deep chunk out of Wile E. Coyote's hindquarter sending the bird chasing canid shooting straight up in the air grabbing his back side. When Wile E. came down Pluto set upon him again. This time the scared Coyote shot off, running for his life as the angry house pet chased him furiously around his own den, then along the highway and finally right into the stash of unreleased traps.

The Coyote did not realize where he was until he was jumping into the spot where he stored all his failed ACME devices. Realizing what was about to happen he held up a tiny placard that read "HELP!"

Surely enough, as soon as he landed every single one of the failed traps went off.

SPROING! THWACK! POP! CH-KANG…KONK! VRREEEEEE-SPLAT! WHAPPA WHAPPA WHAPPA! ZING! DOINK! CRACK! SLAPPITY SLAPPITY, SLAPPITY! WHOOM! KA-POW! POIT! KEEE-RACK! SHOOMP! FLING! ZAP! THWIP! SPRANG-NG-NG PUNCH! THWAP!

And finally **BOOOM!**

The last explosion launched Wile E. Coyote high into the air on an arcing curve that eventually sent him down into a deep ravine where, after several seconds of falling, he landed right smack next to a river.

Watching from above, Pluto admired his work, turned and scratched his back feet before returning to the Coyote's den for a well-deserved nap.

* * *

**Yup, Vidia versus the Road Runner and Pluto versus Wile E. Coyote. This story has just about everything you could ever want.**


	4. Chapter 4

**When In Rome**

* * *

Fairy Mary cautiously knocked on Queen Clarion's door. The queen had a very frightful evening in London this night and had to be rescued from a bad situation by Lord Milori. She expected that Ree would be shaken after the night's events and would want someone to talk to.

"Come in," Ree answered.

Inside, Fairy Mary found Queen Clarion in her night dress and preparing for bed. Standing next to her was Viola. Strangely, Clarion was counting a thick stack of money. British Pounds Sterling to be precise.

"920… 940… 960… 980… 1000… 1050… 1100… 1150 and 1200. Here you are, Viola. Please secure this in the treasury."

"Of course, My Queen." Viola bowed and then left the room, carrying the thick roll of British money.

"What was that?" Mary asked.

"Oh, it's a long story."

"I would certainly like to hear it, if you don't mind," Mary asked.

"Not at all. I was hoping you would stop by, tonight was just beastly."

The two friends sat down and sipped some tea as the queen described her evening.

Clarion and Milori had decided on taking in the theater on the mainland. Using some fairy magic, they took human form and proceeded to a production of Gilbert and Sullivan's _The Pirates of Penzance_. Afterwards, the couple took a romantic stroll down the street. A few blocks away, Milori realized he had left his wallet in the theater and hastened back to claim it before it was lost for good. Within the wallet was the enchantment which could return them to fairy form.

The queen, dressed in all her finery, found a store with the most beautiful jewelry. However, it was late and the store had already closed for the evening, so she simply admired the stunning necklaces through the heavily barred windows. Moving to another store, something caught on her dress. She tried to pull it free, but instead succeeded only in tearing off her entire dress, leaving Ree in only her lacy undergarments and stockings, late at night, on the streets of London.

Since they were in human form she could not fly and neither thought to bring bodyguards. She was left alone and unprotected.

"Oh dear," Fairy Mary gasped. "What happened next?"

"Well, it only took a fraction of a second for the leering eyes of every letch in the vicinity to fix their gaze upon me," the Regent continued. She was frightened and called out for Milori, who unfortunately was still arguing with the theater owner about his wallet. More men began to emerge from the shadows and approached her. All of them had plastered on their faces the ugliest grins and leering eyes.

With no other recourse, Clarion wrapped herself in her torn dress and ran as best she could while wearing her heels. She pounded on every door yelling for help until finally, one door opened and she was let inside.

"Oh, what a relief. At least this awful night came to an end," Fairy Mary said with a sigh in her voice.

"Actually, it was just beginning," Ree told her. There was a reason this establishment was open so late while all of the others had closed for the evening. "The owner took one look at me and said that if I wanted to remain I had to perform on stage."

"You found yourself in a theater?" Mary asked.

"No, a gentlemen's club," Clarion noted wryly. "Though I would hardly call his patrons 'gentlemen.'"

Mary gasped in horror. "The lout, taking advantage of you that way. I'm certain you gave that foul creature a good tongue lashing."

"Not exactly. Let's just say that should I ever lose my crown I will have a promising career as a pole dancer."

"Oh my, you didn't?"

"I had little choice in the matter, until Milori could locate the proper establishment and rescue me."

"Well, at least you made it home safe and sound," Fairy Mary said comfortingly.

"On the bright side, I set a new bar record. Twelve hundred Pounds Sterling in a single night, after the owner's cut, of course."

"So that's what all that money was," Mary gasped, putting it all together. "Well, it's easy to understand why. You were the most beautiful dancer to grace his stage on any night.

"Interesting, Milori said almost the exact same thing."

"Oh, he finally came to rescue you," Fairy Mary giggled coyly as the story came to its conclusion.

"Indeed he did, but not before suggesting a lap dance."

"He didn't?"

"He did."

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'A fine idea, I'll sit and you can dance for me.'"

Both women burst out laughing. "Oh, Clarion, such a sharp tongue."

"Yes, well, he was only joshing. Afterwards, we reclaimed our fairy forms and returned to Never Land."

"You must have been terrified," Mary surmised.

"I was, but tonight could have turned out far worse," Clarion mused. "Though if I ever hear _Baby Got Back_ ever again it will be too soon."

* * *

**Clarion as a pole dancer, that is going to be one strange image to wash out of my mind.  
**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little foray into the ridiculous. If you liked any or all of these four stories let me know. Thanks.**


	5. Chapter 5

**An actor, a fairy and an Asgardian walk into a bar…**

* * *

Aboard the pixie dust covered flying frigate, the six fairy friends have broken free of the Captain's Quarters, donned period clothing and are brandishing pint sized swords with which they engage the pirate crew. James, the scheming captain who turned traitor against Zarina announces, "They're six inch fairies." He is prodding on his crew who are having a tough time against their diminutive opponents.

Zarina makes an attempt to capture the vial of Blue Pixie Dust that hangs around James' neck.

"You wish to fight the captain?" he asks her boldly.

"Until I've got that dust," she answers with equal swagger.

James engages her in singular combat, slicing, swinging and stabbing at the air around the fairy. Right up until…

"Hold thy sword, brother," a deep, male voice called out. That voice had an edge of breeding, culture and an almost Shakespearean quality to it.

Tom Hiddleston, who is playing a young James Hook in _The Pirate Fairy_ stops and stares at his _Avengers_ cast mate. "Chris?"

Chris Hemsworth, who plays Thor, is dressed as the Norse god of thunder and heir to the throne of Asgard. He is wielding Mjolnir, the war hammer and pointing it directly at Tom.

"Lay down thy weapon, Loki, and let these carefree sprites be," Chris demanded.

"CUT!" the film's director, Peggy Holmes, yells into a megaphone. "What's going on?"

"My foul brother has escaped his cell in the bowels of Asgard," Chris announces. "How you escaped I do not know, but father has ordered your immediate return. I shall be the instrument of his word."

Tom Hiddleston rolls his eyes and informs the director and the fairies of Never Land what is happening. "Oh dear, not again."

"Again?"

"Yes, this often happened on set of _The Avengers_, too," Hiddleston said. It seemed that Hemsworth would get so deep into character while performing that he would sometimes forget he was just an actor and would actually believe he was the real Thor.

"Joss Whedon had to talk him down every time."

"I'll call him right now," Holmes said, grabbing her cell phone.

"So why is here?" Rosetta asked. "Not that I'm complainin'," she added, fanning herself at the sight of the handsome and very well built actor in the Thor costume.

"They're filming _The Age of Ultron_ and he must have wandered off set and come looking for me," Hiddleston told the redheaded garden fairy.

"Okay, I've got Whedon," Holmes announced, handing the phone off to Tom. "Here, talk to him. Get this guy off my set."

Hiddleston takes the phone and speaks into it. He describes the situation briefly before carefully passing the phone to Chris Hemsworth / Thor. "Here," Tom tells him carefully. "It's Joss Whedon. You remember him? Joss - Whedon?"

"None of your tricks, brother," Chris / Thor bellows before taking the phone and talking into it. "Is this Joss of Whedon?"

Several tense second pass before Chris sets down his hammer. "Joss? Where are you? Wait, why am I on this pirate ship?"

"It's a set for _The Pirate Fairy_," Peggy tells him. "A _Tinker Bell_ film? **And you're ruining my movie!"**

"Tom? Tom is that you?" Chris asks as he finally notices his costar from both _Thor_ films and _The Avengers._

"Yes, Chris, it's me. You fell deep into character again."

"Oh, I am so sorry," Hemsworth apologizes. "I should get back to _Age of Ultron_ before Whedon goes crazy."

"He won't be the only one," Peggy grumbles under her breath, arms crossed over her chest.

Guards remove Chris Hemsworth from the pirate ship movie set and arrange for him to return to his own film. Peggy Holmes orders everyone back to their positions to begin filming again at the point where Zarina and James face off.

"Action!" Peggy Holmes yelled.

Zarina makes an attempt to capture the vial of Blue Pixie Dust that hangs around James' neck.

"You wish to fight the captain?" he asks her boldly.

"Until I've got that dust," she answers with equal swagger.

"Then you'll have to go through me," James replies, tossing aside his broad rimmed chapeau and rapier sword.

"What's he doing?" Holmes asks her aide.

Tom instantly dons his gold colored Loki helmet with the elongated horns and takes in hand the scepter used in _The Avengers_. "Stand aside, puny creature," he barks in his Loki tone and voice. "With this dust I shall conquer Midgard for my own. Then I shall take the throne of Asgard and all The Nine Realms shall bow to me!"

All the fairies stop, stare and gasp in disbelief.

It is Tinker Bell who breaks the silence with, "Why am I not surprised?"

"Maybe next time you'll go with my suggestion for the famous guest star of the week," Vidia says with an 'I told you so' attitude to her voice.

"For the umpteenth time we are not hiring Robert De Niro!" Tinker Bell yells back.

"Well what about James McAvoy?" Fawn suggests.

"Or Michael Fassbender?" Silvermist offers.

"Hey, why won't anyone consider my suggestion?" Iridessa says, cutting in.

"Oh sweetheart, Denzel just isn't a viable choice in this matter," Rosetta says, letting her down gently.

"Hey, I know, Colin O'Donoghue," Zarina says excitedly.

"DYAH!" Iridessa shouts. "He would be the WORST. HOOK. EVER."

"I still say Robert De Niro," Vidia interjects.

"Okay, fine, if not Denzel then what about Will Smith?" Iridessa replies.

The others just stare at her incredulously while several guards rush around the pirate ship movie set trying to sling a net over the crazed Tom Hiddleston who demands their fealty under pain of death.

* * *

**Okay, for those of who don't know, the joke is that Colin O'Donoghue plays Captain Hook on the ABC series _Once Upon A Time_.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Snail Mail**

* * *

"Mail call!" came the announcement from a snail carrying a saddlebag full of letters and packages.

"Oooh, the mail is here!" Silvermist gasped.

"Yeah, it's been like forever," Fawn said happily.

"Okay, okay, don't crowd," the surly snail barked as he handed out the envelopes to the gathering throng of fairies.

"Hey, Tink, what did you get?" Vidia asked the Tinker Fairy.

"It's a request to appear on _The Tonight Show_," she replied.

"Oh my, what a terrific honor," Rosetta gushed. "You'll be interviewed by that hunky Jimmy Fallon."

"Johnny Carson," Tinker Bell corrected.

"I'm pretty sure Jimmy Fallon is the host," Fawn replied.

"No, the letter wants me to be a guest on _The Tonight Show_ with Johnny Carson," the tinker fairy replied.

"Didn't he retire?" Silvermist asked.

"Yeah, a long, long time ago," Vidia responded with an acerbic bite to her voice. "He died in 2005."

"Well then how is he going to conduct the interview?" the water fairy asked innocently.

"It must be nice to be you, Sil," Vidia said. "So sweet, so innocent, so oblivious."

"Thanks, it takes a lot of work to keep my obliques in such good shape," Silvermist replied happily.

Vidia face palmed. "Everything goes over her head, and she has wings."

"Tink, how old is that letter?" Fawn asked.

Tinker Bell scrutinized the envelope's postmark. "This was mailed in… 1985!"

"Wow, even in Pixie Hollow mail delivery stinks," Vidia observed.

Incensed, Rosetta turned and shouted, "Hey, just because they call it Snail Mail doesn't mean you have to take it so literally."

The snail made a silent gesture in return which set off the fiery red head. "WHAT! Fawn, that snail just gave me the finger!"

"Ro," Fawn said, trying to calm her down, "snails don't have fingers."

"Yeah, well that one certainly tried his best to flip me off."

Iridessa fluttered in to join her friends. She is carrying a small package. "Look what I just got from the mail," she gushed. "I can't wait to see what's inside."

"Uh, Dess, you might want to dial down your expectations just a bit," Fawn advised.

"Oh come on, the mail isn't that bad." The light talent fairy tears open the package to find, "YES! Finally! My Limited Edition copy of all three _Star Wars_ films, letterboxed on Laser Disc. I can't believe it!"

Vidia leaned over to Tinker Bell and whispered, "Do you want to tell her, or should I?"


	7. The Most Interesting Fairy In The World

**Queen Clarion: The Most Interesting Fairy in the World.**

If she is late to a party, the party waits for her.

She made it all the way through _War and Peace_…, in one afternoon.

Dear Abby asks for her advice.

She wrote an inspiring autobiography…, when she was two days old.

The platypus started laying eggs because she thought it would be adorable.

She once beat Vidia in a race..., without moving an inch.

Turning into a being of living Pixie Dust was her idea.

She and Fairy Mary were the best of friends…, even before they met.

Her eyes twinkle so brilliantly the stars make wishes on them.

She doesn't speak Pig Latin…, pigs speak Fairy Latin.

After becoming deathly ill with fairy pox she nursed herself back to health.

She is so beautiful…, the Mona Lisa cried.

When she uses a credit card, they pay her interest.

She speaks perfect squirrel…, in French.

Monarch butterflies are jealous of her wings.

She once received a Nobel Prize…, just for being herself.

Banks observe her holidays.

She can play the piano brilliantly…, on a guitar.

Rather than blemish her perfect skin, fire will burn itself.

She once won a fistfight…, without raising a fist.

Santa Clause celebrates her birthday.

She can always divide by zero.

When coming out of the bathroom, it smells like fine perfume.

She assisted the doctor at her own birth.

Once, when flying in a straight line to get from point A to point B, she took a shortcut.

She is the only person who can keep heading north…, from the North Pole.

Even her reputation has a reputation that precedes it.

_She is the most interesting fairy in the world._

* * *

**This was a parody of those "Most Interesting Man In The World" beer commercials. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.**


	8. Most Interesting Fairy in the World 2

**More of**

** Queen Clarion: The Most Interesting Fairy in the World**

* * *

Helen of Troy is said to have had a face that could launch a thousand ships, hers can launch a million.

When she speaks, E. F. Hutton listens.

When she flies she doesn't move, the world spins to her destination.

She is Dr. Stephen Hawking's scientific advisor.

She is so stunning that even Dot, the sister from "Animaniacs," is prone to yelling "Hello, Nurse!" when in her presence.

Even her enemies can't help falling in love with her.

She once played a game of chess against herself… and won.

When watching the cooking channel, she can _smell _the food.

She once corrected William F. Buckley Jr.'s grammar.

She beat James T. Kirk in a game of Fizbin…, on a Tuesday.

She never runs out of time, time waits for her.

Even if she isn't watching the pot, it won't boil.

She has counted to infinity…, twice…, while taking a nap.

She doesn't need to a crack open a nut, it will open for her.

When one of her socks got a hole in the big toe, she turned it inside out and the hole disappeared.

She can turn a Devil's Food Cake into an Angel Food Cake with just a little bit of love.

Rather than cause her pain, a snake will bite itself.

She once climbed the tallest mountain peak in the world for an afternoon picnic.

When she looks in the mirror, it can die happy.

She can wake coffee up.

She was mistaken once, just for the experience.

All her tall tales are completely true.

When visiting Spain, the bulls run with _her_.

While at sea, she capsized a tidal wave.

When she puts on makeup, the makeup looks better.

There is a website of outlandish "Queen Clarion Facts." It is maintained by Chuck Norris.

_She is the most interesting fairy in the world._

* * *

**Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this bit of silliness.  
**


	9. A SEAL here and a SEAL there

**"A SEAL here and a SEAL there!"**

* * *

"He took the dust!" Terence exclaimed, sounding frantic. The news had just reached the summer camp and was already days old.

"Who?" Tinker Bell asked.

"Hook. He found Pixie Hollow and took the Blue Pixie Dust from the vault and a supply of yellow dust."

"Oh no. He wants to make his ship fly," Tink guessed. "I'm sure of it. Let's go, Terence."

"I have to go back to Never Land, Tink. Fairy Gary needs all of us to put the Depot back together and keep production going with what little blue dust we have left."

Tinker Bell understood and rounded up her fairy friends to go after the pirate. It had been decades since his last attempt to steal the blue dust. It seemed that old grudges didn't go away with time.

Tinker Bell and her fairy friends Rosetta, Fawn, Iridessa, Silvermist and Vidia set off to recover the dust. From everything she learned from Terence and the scouts who brought the news Captain Hook was already on the mainland plundering cities from the air.

It made their collective hearts sink. Were they too late?

**~O~**

Tink and her friends approached London from the air and found that several buildings were aflame. "He hit Buckingham Palace," Tink told her friends. "The guards must have been overwhelmed by the ship."

"How did they not see it coming?" Fawn said. "A flying pirate ship isn't exactly a daily occurrence."

"He must have sailed the ship into port and then launched to make the attack," Silvermist suggested.

"Wow, did she just have an actual idea?" Vidia said with a snarky tone.

"She hasn't been the same since taking all those internet courses from Oxford," Rosetta noted.

"Yeah, and its _Doctor_ Silvermist to you," Sil told them with a smug look. "I have an M.D. in Brainiactrics."

"That's Psychology, Sil. How can you be so smart and still be such a Silvermist?" Vidia asked.

"Enough comparing the size of your wings," Tink chided. "We need to find Hook's ship."

"Look, in the distance!" Iridessa pointed to a dot in the western sky heading out over international waters.

The Jolly Rodger was under full sail and accelerating higher into the wild blue yonder.

"Where is he going?" Rosetta asked as the six fairy friends made their best speed towards the flying pirate galleon.

"My guess would be Fort Knox," Silvermist answered. "It has a large supply of gold."

"Yeah, we know that. We all saw _Goldfinger_," an irate Vidia replied.

"Later! We need to catch up to Captain Hook and get back our blue dust," Tinker Bell ordered.

They beat their wings as hard as they could to overtake the ship. But no matter how fast they pushed themselves the Jolly Rodger stayed just ahead of them.

"Hey, Vidia, why not try that Wind-Fold thing," Iridessa suggested.

"You read too much fan fiction," she answered back quite angrily.

"Look, the ship is coming to a stop," Fawn noticed.

"It's surrounded by those whirlybird machines the human fly in," Tinker Bell observed.

They watched as the Jolly Rodger set down in the water. Several men in black combat gear slid down ropes from the helicopters that had intercepted the flying pirate vessel. The whirlybirds bore emblems from the United States while modern sea faring vessels flying the Union Jack of Great Britain joined them in circling the Jolly Rodger.

Tinker Bell and her friend set down on the pirate ship's main mast to watch what was happening below. All of Hook's crew were held at gun point. Not one tried to use their swords against the superior firepower of the American and British military.

"I can't hear what's going on?" Tink said. The noise of the helicopters drowned out the voices from below.

"I'll go down and listen," Silvermist told them just before zipping towards the main deck.

"Wait! Grr…, I hope she doesn't get caught," Vidia said. "Modern humans can find us much easier once they know we exist."

"I'm surprised they haven't found us yet ever since you bought that iPad Mini to Pixie Hollow," Rosetta said in rebuke. "It has GPS, y'know."

"Hey, I like to watch Netflix and Hulu Plus. Is that such a crime?!"

"What shows do you watch?" Fawn asked, happily. "I love _Once Upon A Time_."

"Ugh, I hate that show," Tinker Bell said. "I do not have an Australian accent." Tinker Bell was referring to Rose McIver the actress who portrayed her on the show.

"Okay, I'm back," Silvermist announced upon her return.

"Yeah, we can see that," Vidia said in her usual snarky tone.

"Well, what's happening?"

"It's okay. The colonists have convinced Captain Hook to give back the crown jewels," she reported.

"Colonists?" Fawn asked.

"Silvermist thinks that the United States gaining its independence from England is just an internet prank," Rosetta told her.

"So it's over? Well that was quick." Iridessa was quite relieved to hear this news.

"Yeah, the colonial leader said that if he didn't they would unleash a team of six seals," Silvermist described. "What does that mean anyway? Why would Captain Hook be afraid of barking seals?"

"A team of six seals?" Vidia face palmed. "Ugh! Silvermist, you are such a Silvermist."

"You see? This is what happens when you get all of your news from Stephen Colbert," Rosetta chimed in.

When the humans weren't looking the fairies stole back their blue and yellow pixie dust, returning it to Pixie Hollow with all due haste. Hook and his crew were returned to England for trial. However, Peter Pan helped them all to escape claiming that Never Land just wouldn't be the same without the old codfish.

* * *

**If you haven't figured it out yet, the "team of six seals" is S.E.A.L. Team Six.**

**The title is a quote attributed to legendary Green Bay Packer's Head Coach Vince Lombardi describing the Packer's Sweep. A type of running play used during his tenure with the Green Bay Packers American Football Team.**

**The Wind-Fold is a reference to a series of Vidia centric stories written by StellarDusk2K. If you haven't read them, you should. They are awesome.**


	10. Chapter 10

**STAR WARS Episode VII: The Force Goes Back To Sleep  
**

* * *

VIDIA (reading _Variety_ magazine): Wow, Disney is making lots of changes to that new _Star Wars_ film J.J. Abrams is directing.

TINKER BELL: Yeah, I know. That trailer showing a light saber with the glowing hilt is driving everyone bonkers.

VIDIA: It's more than just that. New actors are being cast to play existing characters. Apparently, now that Disney owns ABC, ESPN, Marvel Comics, The Muppets and LucasFilm they've decided to cross pollinate from their new acquisitions.

TINKER BELL: What? Where did you hear that from?

VIDIA: Queen Clarion. Disney has cast her as Princess Leia instead of Carrie Fisher. Oh but there's more, listen to this. Luke Skywalker will now be played by Captain America from Marvel's _The Avengers_. Han Solo will be played by Rick Berman of ESPN. And the new Sith Lord is Rumpelstiltskin from the ABC television series _Once Upon A Time_.

TINKER BELL: Whoa!

VIDIA: Yeah, but that's not the worst of it. You'll want to sit down for this one. Chewbacca will now be played by…, ugh…, Fozzie Bear.

**~O~**

Cut to scene from _Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. _ Interior. Millennium Falcon. Bridge.

CHEWBACCA (Fozzie Bear): So then the wookie says, "that's not a fur coat, that's my wife." Get it? My wife? Wokka Wokka Wokka!

HAN SOLO (Rick Berman): I gave up hosting ESPN for this? (Sighs) So who are those VIP's we've got back there, anyway?

CHEWBACCA (Fozzie Bear, speaking with great awe): Two of the oldest, wisest and most respected Jedi Masters in the _whole_ galaxy.

**~O~**

Interior. Millennium Falcon. Passenger area. Statler and Waldorf dressed in Jedi robes.

STATLER: I can't believe we got talked into doing this _Star Wars_ movie.

WALDORF: _Star Wars_? I thought you said this was going to be a disaster movie?

STATLER: Are you kidding? If the bear is starring in it, this movie is bound to be a disaster.

BOTH: DOOOH HOH HOH HOH!

* * *

**I was going to include Gonzo as Dearth Nadir from the "Stars of Star Wars" episode of _The Muppet Show _broadcast in 1980, but I wasn't sure how many would recognize that reference.  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT**

* * *

Tinker Bell: Hi, Vidia. How was your trip to Greece?

Vidia: Great. I had a blast checking out all the ruins and studying their history.

Tinker Bell: Oh, I see you brought a friend.

Vidia: Yeah, we met during a tour of The Acropolis. Turns out we have a lot in common.

Visitor: We both possess very competitive spirits.

Vidia: I told her about Never Land and she just had to visit.

Tinker Bell: Nice to meet you. My name is Tinker Bell.

Visitor: Greetings. I am Nike the Greek goddess of victory.

Tinker Bell: Oh hey, I love your shoes.

Nike: Thank you. They're Reebok.

Tinker Bell: O-kay.


	12. A FROZEN DELAY

**A FROZEN DELAY**

* * *

IDINA MENZEL (as Elsa of Arendelle, ascending The North Mountain) (Singing):

_Let it go, let it go_  
_I am one with the wind and sky_  
_Let it go, let it go_  
_You'll never see me__ cry!_

(Stomps ground to unleash her powers)

_Here I stand_  
_And here I'll stay_  
_Let the storm rage on!_

(Nothing happens. Stomps ground again)

_Here I stand_  
_And here I'll stay_  
_Let the storm ra...  
_

(Still nothing happens.)

IDINA MENZEL (Irate): Hey, where is the ice palace?

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: (yelling): Slush! SLUSH! Where is that no account winter sparrow man?

GLISS: Oh! Oh! Oh! He's over here. (Pointing to crate behind the cameraman)

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: Well tell him to get his wings in gear, we're filming Idina's big number.

GLISS: Slush. C'mon, Slush. Time to get to work.

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: Well?

GLISS: Uh…, well…, he's meditating.

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: Meditating? Well wake him up!

GLISS: Well, um… when he gets like this it's kind of hard to make him snap out of it.

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: Oh for… (Storms over to Slush.) WAKE UP!

SLUSH (chanting): …oohhmm…

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: Hey, wake up. You've already cost us a lot of money on one wasted take. Now snap to Mister!

SLUSH (chanting): …oohhmm…

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: Are you listening to me?

SLUSH (chanting): …oohhmm…

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: You have five seconds to get to work.

SLUSH (chanting): …oohhmm..

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: That's it. You! Are! Fired!

SLUSH (chanting): …unio-on…

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: Dyahh! That's it. LUNCH!

IDINA MENZEL: But it's only 9 a.m.

DIRECTOR CHRIS BUCK: AAAURRGGHHH! Okay, fine. BRUNCH! Everybody clear out so the glacier fairy can finish his "mediation."

(Entire cast and crew of FROZEN heads off to the camp on the opposite side of The North Mountain. Slush remains and continues his chanting for several more minutes until…)

SLUSH: Okay, ready. (Looks around.) Hey, where did everybody go? Oh well. (Sits down in cross legged form and) …oohhmm…

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed this little bit of FROZEN fluff. Thanks for reading.**


	13. Chapter 13

**NAPTIME**

Tinker Bell: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tinker Bell: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tinker Bell: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tinker Bell: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tinker Bell: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tinker Bell: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tinker Bell: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tinker Bell: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tinker Bell: "ZZzznnhung! What... what's going on? OH NO, I SLEPT ALL THE WAY THROUGH TODAY'S STO-

**END**


	14. Chapter 14

**NAPTIME 2**

Periwinkle: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Periwinkle: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Periwinkle: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Periwinkle: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Periwinkle: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Periwinkle: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Periwinkle: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Periwinkle: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Tinker Bell: Periwinkle! Wake up!

Perwinkle: Hung?! Whang- What's...?

Tinker Bell: You slept through the entire story!

Periwinkle: I did? OH NO! I did. Why didn't you wake me up?

Tinker Bell: Heh, uh, well, I kind of slept through my story and couldn't wake you up.

Periwinkle: (Facepalms). Okay. Okay, keep the reader's entertained while I get ready.

Tinker Bell: Entertained? Oh uh. Okay. Hi, everybody. My name is Tinker Bell and today we're going to learn how to build a fusion reactor using common, household appliances.

**END**


	15. Chapter 15

**THAT'S _MISS_ SILVERMIST TO YOU**

* * *

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

VIDIA: This has been a test of the Silvermist Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, Silvermist would have done or said something truly dumb and made everyone groan.

SILVERMIST: Hey, knock it off, Vidia! I have had enough of your snide comments at my expense. I am not dumb. Cease and desist this instant.

VIDIA: Oh really! And just how do you plan on making me stop, silly little Sil?

SILVERMIST: Lizzie knows a boy on the mainland who likes to pull the wings off of flies.

VIDIA: So.

SILVERMIST: So, I just happen to have this horsefly costume that is a perfect fit just for you. (Presents costume)

VIDIA: You wouldn't dare?

SILVERMIST: Try me, fly girl.

~O~

ROSETTA: What the-? Why is Vidia doing whatever Silvermist tells her to do like an obedient servant?

TINKER BELL: Sil went to an assertiveness training seminar last week. It looks like it's paying off.

VIDIA: Hey, Sil, can I take a break? My feet are killing me.

SILVERMIST: _Silence_! I did not give you permission to speak!

ROSETTA: Whoa! Maybe it's paying off a little too well.

TINKER BELL: (Sharing a terrified look with Rosetta) Let's get out of here before Sil turns that on us.

ROSETTA: I'm right behind you.


	16. Ice Bucket Epic Fail!

**THE ICE BUCKET EPIC FAIL!**

* * *

Tinker Bell, her sister and their friends were gathered near the border for a day of fun and frolic in the Winter Woods. They were chatting up a storm as they prepared their itinerary. While planning the day Clank, Bobble and Zarina approached quietly. The three had intended to drop buckets of ice water on them, imitating the Ice Bucket Challenge that had become popular on the mainland. To hide their true intent the trio hid their cargo. They pulled a tarp over the buckets and transported them on a cart pulled by Cheese the Mouse. To complete the effect, bails of grass were placed atop the tarp giving the cart a totally harmless look.

Rosetta, who was in on the prank and had lured the others here specifically for this moment, excused herself for moment to fix her hair. "I want to look my best for Sled," she told the others. Rosetta stepped away to preen a moment before joining her coconspirators. Fawn, the other member of the ice bucket team and the person who thought up the practical joke in the first place, separated from the group and stood in front of her friends. She began to go on like a priest at the pulpit evangelizing that fun was free flowing, and they should stop worrying about rigid schedules. Fawn punctuated her argument by gesticulating wildly at specific intervals for emphasis.

Her true intent, of course, was to capture the attention of the others so the pranksters could catch Tink and her clique entirely off guard. It worked. The girls kept their backs to the cart and were utterly clueless as to goings on about it.

Rosetta, Clank, Bobble and Zarina quickly but quietly uncovered the buckets of water. Because there was so many buckets Clank and Bobble had linked them together with long rods. Zarina slightly dusted the buckets to reduce their apparent weight. The four then grabbed the ends of the two rods, lifted the buckets of water and then yelled out, "ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!" just as they doused the group with the freezing cold ice water.

"Yeek!" shrieked Tinker Bell upon feeling the sharp cold on her skin.

"Dyah!" Vidia howled, promising to murder whoever did this.

"Whooaa!" Silvermist yelled. "That's sooo c-c-cold," she said while shivering

"Eeeeeepp!" Iridessa squealed, throwing her arms over her head.

They all reacted very poorly to having such freezing waters dropped on them by surprise. All that is, but one:

"Yawn" went Periwinkle.

"Huh?" Fawn said.

"Wha?" Rosetta agreed.

Periwinkle them pointed to herself and said, with a wry smile, "Winter Fairy."

"Oh no!" Fawn groaned, slapping her forehead for not remembering that Peri was immune to the sudden cold.

Rosetta, furious, zipped up next to Fawn and began yelling at her. She was joined momentarily by Clank, Bobble and Zarina. "You forgot? How could you forget? What were you thinking?"

The other four kept shouting and berating Fawn and were not paying attention to the fact that Silvermist and Periwinkle had already put into play their means of revenge. Fawn noticed it first. Then Bobble, Zarina, Rosetta and Clank. The sunlight at their feet had darkened slightly. Wobbly streaks of bright lines appeared alongside dark patches. These were joined by what appeared to be a rainbow in the snow beneath them.

The pranksters looked upwards and discovered to their horror that Silvermist had formed a gigantic ball of water and Periwinkle had chilled it to near freezing temperatures.

"Uh oh," Zarina said meekly.

"Yikes," Fawn squeaked.

"We've done it now, Clanky," Bobble told his friend who nodded in agreement.

"You wouldn't dare?" Rosetta said, scathing Silvermist and Periwinkle.

The five wet girls all smiled with vengeful glee before they all spoke together the words, "Ice bucket challenge."

One second later the ball of freezing water dropped and the conspirators received their just comeuppance.


	17. Iridessa's Caffeine High

**Caffeine High**

* * *

Iridessa has found that a sealed can of something the humans call "coffee" has washed up on the shores of Never Land. She peels open the top and finds grounds of something colored dark brown. She sniffs the air and finds the aroma wonderfully intoxicating.

"I wonder what it tastes like." Iridessa takes one of the ground crystals and licks it. "Yuck! It's too bitter." However, when she reads the instructions on the side of the can she gets an idea. The young light talent fairy boils water, steeps the crystals and then serves up some of the coffee with sugar.

"Oooh, now that hits the spot."

She finds it so delicious that the girl enjoys three cups of her newly found drink. Unfortunately she was unaware of one ingredient commonly found in coffee: Caffeine!

**~O~**

"Wow,I'vegotsomuchenergyit'snotfunny!Woohoohoohoohoohahahaha!OhlookatthatI'mfinishedanditisn'tevennoontimeyet!Ibetterlightupthefireflies!Hereboys,comeandgetit!Comeon!Comeon!Comeon!CometoMama!Whereiseveryone?Getyourlightbeforeitgoesout!Ohthere'sone!Notimelikethepresent!WAAHOOO!"

Sadly, her caffeine induced high led to some rather unfortunate results!

Particularly where her friends were involved.

VIDIA

"Stop chasing me around, Dessa! I am not one of your stupid fireflies! How are you keeping up with me anyway?"

TINKER BELL

"Why are all of my tools glowing?"

SILVERMIST

"The fish. They're all bright as the sun. I think I've invented a new kind of marine creature. And I don't even know how I did it."

FAWN

"Oh no. The fuzzy wuzzies are all trying to hibernate but none of them can get to sleep. They keep glowing in each other's faces."

PERIWINKLE AND THE FROST FAIRIES

"What the-? Glowing snow? Quick, what did you guys do to the snowflake fairies this time?"

ZARINA

"My hair! It keeps glowing! And not in a good way, HELP!"

QUEEN CLARION

"Uh, Your Majesty," Hyacinth, the Minister of Spring spoke up, "why is your backside glowing?"

"It is? Where?" Queen Clarion begins twisting one way and then other while craning her neck to see what's the matter with her derriere.

"Right here," Hyacinth says, pointing to her backside with his hand.

Clarion slaps his arm away and scolds him, "Don't! You! Dare!"

ROSETTA

"Uh, Rosetta, why are your boobs all lit up?" Daisy asks.

"What?" Ro looks down. "Huh, so they are. Well at least now Sled can find them in the dark. For once."

IRIDESSA

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ." The caffeine jolt had finally worn off, but not before creating havoc throughout all of Pixie Hollow. And not one of the fireflies got their light at the end of the day.

The next morning Iridessa, disgusted with how the coffee made her feel, tossed the can away. Hours later, Tinker Bell found it. "What's this? Hmmm… I think I'll try some."

* * *

**I will let the rest of you decide what Tink designed for her friends while under the influence of all that caffeine.**

**Thanks to Mastermind4892 for suggesting this idea.**


	18. Tink's Tinker Bell Fan Fiction

**Tink's "Tinker Bell" Fan Fiction  
**

* * *

_The water fell like a warm spring rain. Soap ran down her body with a sensitive touch. _

_"Hello, Tink." Those words, they were soft yet masculine. Caring, yet firm. It was her lover._

_"Hello, Terence," she cooed. "What are you doing here?" The girl demurred, covering herself coyly. _

_He smiled. "I'm here to wash your back," he answered. Before she could answer he stepped in to the shower, devoid of clothing. His touch was like silk. He ran his fingers down her skin chasing the soap away like a jealous lover. He leaned over and put his lips to hers. Electricity ran through her body._

* * *

"What are you doing?"

"DYAAAHHH!" Tink leapt from her dining table, falling to the floor with a thud. In her hands, clutched tightly, were several sheets of paper.

Vidia yanked the paper from under her grasp. "What are you penning that's making you moan and heave like that?"

"That's not yours," Tinker Bell protested.

"Uh huh uh huh uh huh! Oh for crying out loud, Tink. You're writing erotic fan fiction about you and Terence?"

"NO!"

Vidia cocked a disbelieving eyebrow.

"Okay, fine. What if I am?"

"Ugh! Just ask him out."

"I can't. What if he says 'no'?"

"Then you keep on living."

"I'll die!"

"Uugh! You're pathetic." Vidia crumbled the paper into a ball and pitched it across the tea room. "How am I going to wash those sick images out of my head? AAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!"

Tinker Bell greedily snatched up the papers and clutched them to her chest. She whimpered as Vidia left the room. Dozens of pairs of eyes stood looking upon her. She did not notice, nor care. "Oh please, Terence. Please tell me you feel the same way about me that I do for you."

**~O~**

"What are you doing?" Bolt asked.

"Nothing. Nothing at all," Terence replied. Terence was sitting at Fairy Gary's desk writing the schedule for the next week. Or, that's what he wanted everyone to think.

"Then what's this?" Stone asked, snatching away the page Terence had been scribbling on. "OOOooooh! Me like. Wow, Terence, you've really got it bad for Tink, but this is just too much."

Bolt approached. "What's too much?"

"This," Stone showed his friend the pages. Terence all but choked on his tongue. Bolt's tongue, on the other hand, practically fell from his mouth. "Oh, mama! You and Tink, in a field having a picnic. And then… ooooh, you naughty boy. Shame, shame…"

"We know your name," Stone said, finishing Bolt's childish admonishment. "Hey, can you write an all-out porn fic with me and Tink? I've always imagined she had the cutest little mole on her hip, just under that dress where you can't see."

"That's enough!" Fairy Gary yanked the pages from the two troublesome dust keepers. "Now get out of here and leave the boy alone."

Terence flushed with embarrassment. His shoulders slumped and head drooped in disappointment. "I'm sorry, Fairy Gary. I know you told me to write next week's schedule but I just can't get Tink out of my head."

The guild master sighed and put a consoling hand on the boy's shoulder. "Then tell her how you feel."

"What if she says no? What if I make a fool of myself?"

"Then you make a fool of yourself and the world keeps spinning," Gary told him. "Trust me, I've suffered my share of cold shoulders in my day and I never let it get me down."

"Really?" Terence looked at the pages. He knew what he had written was only an outlandish fantasy, far too exaggerated to ever come true. But the spirit of the writings reflected his undying attraction to the girl. His love, his loyalty, his devotion to her. "I'll think about it, Fairy Gary."

"Good for you. And whatever you do, don't let her see those pages," he warned the boy. "That's not exactly what a girl wants to read from her beau."

**~O~**

"Well, well. If it isn't the man of the hour," Vidia said, contempt and snark absolutely dripping from her words.

"Huh? Man of the hour? What do you mean, Vidia?" Terence asked of her. Terence had gone to look for Tinker Bell. He was still contemplating telling her. Instead he would take a reading of her mood. Then, if she was in a receptive one, he would coyly suggest going out somewhere together. Maybe he would confess his feelings if she agreed in a favorable way.

Vidia, who was smiling in a way that made Terence's uncomfortable, noticed the handwritten pages in his hands. "Oh, no. Not you, too."

The boy hid the fiction behind his back, flustered. Then it dawned on him. "What do you mean, me too?"

"Ugh, you're not going to make me relive this are you?" Vidia face palmed, visibly pained as she spoke. "Okay, fine, if it means I never have to see your lousy, lusty fictions ever again. Tinker Bell likes you. I mean she really likes you. And she hopes you like her, too."

"That's it, just like?"

"Do I have to paint it on the wall for you?" Vidia groused. "She's obsessed with you. Now go, talk to her. Put that blonde headed tinker out of her misery."

Terence's heart leapt in his chest over and over again. Tinker Bell did love him. He couldn't wait to speak to her. To confess his heart to her. To take the girl he dearly loved into his arms and hold her tightly.

"Thanks, Vidia. Woohoo!"

Vidia rolled her eyes. "Kids today." She was about to flit off in the other direction, but curiosity got the better of her. She had to see this play out if only to know for certain that all of this would finally end today. Vidia followed Terence and hid in the tall grass as soon as she spotted Tinker Bell, who was lost in thought and completely oblivious to Terence's approach.

THUNK!

"Eeep!"

"Are you okay?" Terence asked her.

"Yeah," she said, with a silly, lovesick grin. "I'm fine, Terence. Just… fine."

"Tink, I… I want you to know that… that… that I love you. And I have for so long."

Tinker Bell jumped into air and spun around in joy. "Oh, Terence. I've loved you, too. I can't believe we can finally be honest about our feeleeee… what's this?" The pages both had been carrying swept around and around as they floated to the ground. Tinker Bell happened to grab one which prominently carried her name.

Terence just about choked when she did. Then he caught sight of another page which bore his name just as prominently. He plucked it from the air and started to read it.

Tinker Bell turned as red as a beet. "This is what you think of me?" she scolded him. "That you can ply me with food and I would be yours in the meadow… and the trees… and the tall grass."

"It's not what you think," he stammered. "But what about this? In the shower? I would never do something so improper."

"Oh well you sure do enjoy writing about being improper with my person," she yelled.

"I can't believe I was ever attracted to you," he shouted.

"I can't believe I ever pined for someone so sick and demented," she spat.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

And the two huffed, turned and flew off in opposite directions.

Vidia, who had been watching, was dumbfounded. "Bu-bu-but. The love sick fan fiction. The whining and pining. And…and…and the woe is me nonsense. And the fact that I'll never get that erotic shower image out of my head… AND FOR WHAT? NOTHING? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" At her wits end Vidia grabbed the nearest thing she could find, an innocent ladybug, and using it like a pillow buried her face into its torso and started screaming her lungs out.

"AAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

She released the ladybug, which stumbled off in total shock, and Vidia wrapped her arms around her head, burying her face into lap and rocking back and forth trying to comfort herself. She started crying. "Why? Why does everything bad always happen to me?"

* * *

**It's stories like this that make me wish I could draw, because the jokes would work sooo much better in a visual medium.  
**

**But if you like it, please let me know in the reviews or through a PM. Thank you for reading my next bit of nonsense.**


End file.
